Super Squawker Commercial
by Dougster
Summary: Incompetent schoolteachers beware! The SUPER SQUAWKER is coming to your classroom...


A/N: This idea came up after I read a newspaper article about schoolteachers who were actually teaching bogus history, like how the atom bomb was first used during the Korean War. What are concerned parents to do? Read on...

SCENE: A high school history classroom with about 20 kids.

CAST:

Kimberly -- Amanda Bynes

Teacher -- Mr. Gullible

Beth -- Jenna Morrison (who plays Debbie in _The Girls' Room_)

Narrator: Me :)

Super Squawker voice: Jeremy Rowley (who played the Little Crazy Hat Man)

Boy: No one in particular

(Kimberly and Beth sit next to each other in the front row. Mr. Gullible stands in front of the blackboard, on which has been drawn a chalk sketch of a mushroom cloud.)

Mr. Gullible (tapping the drawing with a pointer): Now, class, as everyone knows, the atomic bomb was first exploded during the Korean War!

Kimberly(confused): Huh? That doesn't sound right.

(But the teacher is just getting started...)

Mr. Gullible: And America was discovered by the Vikings in the year 500, before they also discovered China.

Beth(scratching her head): Really?

Mr. Gullible: Also, the Civil War started in 1941 when the North seceded from the South over cotton-growing rights.

(Kimberly and Beth exchange baffled looks.)

Narrator(offscreen voice-over): Parents! Is your teen being taught a muddle of misinformation at school? Then you need the Super Squawker!

Kimberly and Beth(facing the camera): The Super Squawker???

(Close-up of what appears to be a dark blue shoebox. Emblazoned across the top, in bright yellow letters, is SUPER SQUAWKER.)

Narrator: Stored inside this conveniently-sized box is all the knowledge of twelve sets of encyclopedias! Here's how it works. Your teen brings the Super Squawker to class...

(Kimberly is shown doing this, placing it on her desk)

...where its ultra-sensitive microphone listens to every word the teacher says! And if it hears a discrepancy...

(Back to Mr. Gullible, blissfully reiterating his litany of knowledge)

Mr. Gullible: And so, class, as I was saying, it's common knowledge that the first Atom Bomb was exploded during the Korean War!

(A voice like fingernails dragged across a blackboard amplified over a stadium speaker system explodes from the box.)

Super Squawker: NO, STUPID, IT WAS DURING WORLD WAR TWO! GET YOUR HEAD SCREWED ON STRAIGHT!!!

(Mr. Gullible cringes and turns red, and the class bursts out laughing. Now Beth gives it a try.)

Beth: Oh, Mr. Gullible? Who did you say discovered America and when?

Mr. Gullible: Ah...as I said, and as everybody knows, it was the Vikings in the year 500 --

Super Squawker: HEY TEACHER, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING? IT WAS CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS IN 1492, YOU MORON!!!

(Now the class laughs twice as loud, and Mr. G. turns twice as red. Kimberly and Beth high-five each other. A boy in the back speaks up...)

Boy: Mr. Gullible? What about the Civil War?

(Mr. G., flustered as he is, nevertheless stands his gullible ground.)

Mr. Gullible: I _told_ you, it was in 1941, when the North decided to secede --

Super-Squawker: NO, NO, NO!!! IT WAS 1861 AND THE _SOUTH_ SECEDED! DO YOU JUST HAVE AN IDIOT'S I.Q. OR WHAT?!!

(Mr. Gullible's finally had enough. He marches up to Kimberly's desk, waggling his finger.)

Mr. Gullible: Kimberly, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to remove that...that _thing_ from my classroom!

Kimberly(smiling sweetly): But Mr. Gullible, if you would just teach us correctly, there wouldn't be a problem.

Mr. Gullible(raising his hands): If you won't remove it, I will!

Kimberly(suddenly alarmed): No, wait!

(Sparks and lighting-flashes explode everywhere, blocking out the scene. We hear a buzzing sound like the electric chair being thrown into high gear, along with a man's scream. When everything clears, we see Kimberly, Beth and the whole class looking down at Mr. Gullible who is sprawled senseless on the floor, hair sticking out in all directions, smoke curling up from his charred hair and clothes. He gives a soft moan.)

Narrator: As an added feature, you can set the Super Squawker so that only you or your teen can safely touch it!

Beth: I'll call an ambulance. _(She exits)_

(Cut to three years later. Kimberly and Beth stand side by side wearing caps and gowns, holding diplomas and beaming at the camera.)

Kimberly: We graduated with honors, thanks to the Super Squawker!

Beth(to Kimberly): And just think, Mr. Gullible stuck it out that whole time.

Kimberly: Yeah, he could never stop teaching the wrong stuff. Here he comes now!

(And he does come by, not walking but riding in a wheelbarrow pushed by a man in a white coat. His eyes are rolled up into his head and he's bobbling his lips with a finger.)

Mr. Gullible: B-bbb-bb-b-bbb-bb-bb-bb-b-bbbb-bb-bbb...

(The girls look after him as he passes from view.)

Kimberly(smiling): We'll have to send him a bouquet at the sanitarium.

Beth: Yeah! (The girls laugh.)

Narrator: The Super Squawker. Don't send your teen off to school without it!


End file.
